things i'll never say...

this is stupid. you want me to be the person i was 7 years ago when we met. i can't be her anymore. people grow up. people change. life changes. you have changed, too. and certainly not for the best. it happens to all of us. who i was then, i can never be again. no matter how badly anyone wants me to be, even myself. life is different. we will never be the same.
there are two options that i see:
1- we learn to like ourselves and each other, the way we are now, and stop being nostalgic for the people we used to be. we have to start over, completely fresh, no clinging to the past.
2- we call it what it is.... over. it's been that way for a long time, we know it. it hasn't been the same in years. it was a good run, but if we can't learn to deal with who we are now, then why continue hurting ourselves?
again, two options:
1-call me when you're free, we can get together, have a drink or two, and *seriously* talk about things. don't invite anyone else this time. friendships are relationships, and the good ones take time and effort.
2-call me and tell me when i can pick up my stuff, or just drop it off on my porch. by 'my stuff' i mean my clothes, books, cds, and digital camera that you've had for the past year and a half.
____________________________________________________________________

you sort of chose the second option... calling and leaving a voicemail that (of course- turned everything on me) i thought was unneccesary. claiming you haven't returned my calls or texts because i was being 'disrespectful' is not cool. and unfounded, in my opinion. "call me when you're ready to talk" is not disrespectful. disrespectful, in my book, is ignoring my calls, texts, and me (in person) for the past week and a half. the silent treatment from you is nothing new. it happens all the time, and blows over eventually. not this time. i'm tired of waiting for you to be ready to talk to me again, giving me time to 'think about what i've done'.... how can i fix a wrong that i have allegedly commited, if i have no idea what it was? i can't.

it has been a long time since my universe revolved around you, and for you to assume that my facebook posts are directed toward you is 1-wrong, and 2- kind of conceited. there are so many things going on in my life right now, not everything is about you. you would know that if you were there for me at all. you said you feel like you've been a bad friend to me for the past few years, you are absolutely right. you've been a very bad friend. i have always been there for you, and you used to be there for me, too. there was a time when you were the only person that was there for me at all. now, it seems like you're more than available for everyone but me. what little plans we do make, you break. and that's fine. i'm over it. i haven't gotten mean, like you say, i've just severely lowered my tolerance for bullshit and letting other people run my life. i am living honestly now, more honestly than i have ever. true to myself, and everyone i care about. if being honest is mean, i am not sorry. i am sorry, however, if there was something i did years ago that started this breakdown of us. i thought we would be friends forever, we've been through so much... it's really hard to let go of this friendship, but it's even harder to try and keep it.

also- i have no idea what "messages" i "tried to relay" to you through people at work. i don't even talk to anyone at work. if i have anything to say, i know where to find you, and i don't need or want anyone else interefering with what i think is our business.

everything above, and so much more, will probably never reach your ears or eyes.... you said you didn't want to talk because you were 'afraid of my retaliation' because i 'used to be a nice person, but lately have said and done things that were out of character' - whatever these things are, i would love to know. the only things i have done out of character, are ceasing to kiss people's asses, and aplogizing when things weren't my fault. the rest is the same. i would really like to know what other convictions you have against me. but i won't hold my breath to hear them. i don't know what happened to us, but this sucks.

that's all i have for now, only because i have to get ready for work. which i used to look forward to going to, just to see you... ever since you've started walking in the opposite direction, and doing your best to avoid me, it's just not fun anymore. i guess i should learn to keep in mind that i am at work to make money, not friends.

crazy thursday

so... things with the ex-husband and his latest fiancee aren't awesome. that's the start of my day, and instead of having mikey til 8pm, i only had him til 5.... on their orders. lame.

farrah fawcett died today at 62, yeah, charlies angel's blah blah blah. i dig it, the most thing i associate with her is "small sacrifices" true story, sick mom killing her kids because her married lover didn't want any... tsk tsk tsk.

michael jackson. dead at 50. seriously? that cat, i've been a fan of him forever. i had the sequined glove, posters, thriller was my first record.... i'm SOOOO sad right now. everyone has jokes. i'm sincerely sad :(

cupcakes and razorblades

i'm going to preface this by saying: i DO NOT talk politics. i do not talk politics and religion with just anyone. i refuse. there's a good reason they are taboo in bars. i have kicked some beligerent people out of the bar i managed, because they are very sensitive subjects. it's those two things that have been causing conflict since damn near the beginning of time. i am who i am, i am happy with who i am and what i believe in. i am also very understanding- i have no qualms about what other people believe in. variety is the spice of life....

it bums me out that there are so many people hating that obama is in office. give the man a chance. i firmly believe that he's in it for all of us. to me, he meant every word of his speech on inaugaration day. i have high hopes for this man, and his plans. i hope that he does this country a great service, and sees another 4 years on top of this set. while i'm the only one in my household, i'm very happy with my decision on voting day. it was a tough run. i looked at both candidates views on issues many times, and ultimately went with the man whose issues i sided with more. it wasn't the novelty that there was a different face on posters than the same old rich white men. (though if the novelty card palin would have somehow gotten into office -mccain isn't young- i would have moved to canada) it wasn't because of celebrity endorsements, i am not that easily swayed by others. peer pressure has nothing on me... i made my vote based on what i felt was right. and i certainly hope it pans out.

to the ignorant and would-be-clever people sending out these jokes: no, your tv is not broken, it's not playing planet of the apes at the white house on repeat. yes, it's still the white house. calling it the black house is silly. no, they aren't turning the rose garden into a watermelon patch, or opium poppies. it would be inappropriate to refer to him as the HBIC or President Bro. i'm confident joe biden is much more than just 'assassination insurance'.... and while miss michelle is very stylish, graceful and beautiful- reminiscent of mrs kennedy- i think it's a slap in the face to call her 'blackie o'. seriously, people. is this what we are down to? now is the time to get together and work together, more than ever before. put some of the differences aside.

while on the ranting and raving- a family friend of ours, who is a fire marshall for a local city, and drum major in the cleveland firefighter's pipe and drum band (they played the bagpipes and drums at my sisters wedding- very professional, very moving) has been suspended for 6 months because he waved to the president and family at the inaugarational parade. cnn footage shows the president waving at him, and he nodding and waving back. 6 months suspension, really? because a nod and a wave are unbecoming of the band. it wasn't a big, crazy "hi mom" wave; it was very respectful. i'm glad he said he'd do it again. i know he doesn't want any negativity directed at the band, but damn... 6 months is harsh. and i'm telling you something= if john coleman won't be at the saint patty's day parade, then neither will i. and for those of you that said coleman should have raised his kilt and mooned the president instead, nevermind i have nothing to say to you. nothing that you would even try to understand anyway.
the mind is like a parachute, it only functions when open.

gandhi said 'you must be the change you wish to see in the world.' i believe there are people out there who are seriously stepping up to the plate on this, and i applaud them.

that is all, good day.

another day, just breathe...

i think i don't like today. it's only 11.37am, that's an unfair thought. i have the rest of the day to make up for a rough morning. attitude adjustment shouldn't be difficult. i told myself that i would work out, that 10 minutes of aerobic activities are allegedly just as good for your mood as a dose of an anti-depressant. it's just a matter of finding that motivation. a friend of mine keeps notes on her computer and tv, and doesn't allow herself access to either unless she's worked out first. it's not a bad idea. i may have to steal that idea. though, already, i've failed. here i am, typing away at the computer- with no sweat to show for it. i'll do it afterwards. and i still have tomorrow morning, and thursday morning. back to work friday. saturday with the kiddo. working open to close on sunday....

i met with an old friend sunday night, and found a slight spark of inspiration. a fellow artist of sorts, and a vegan. and while i'm not interested in persuing the vegan way of life- i sure would like to change my diet. it's terrible that the food which is most affordable and convenient is the worst for you. and the wonderful, healthy, organic food is wicked expensive. i think i'll just buy a ton of rice and tuna and try not to get bored with those, salads, fruits and veggies.
saving money is another goal of mine. cutting out unnecessary purchases is a must. the occasional fun buy will be allowed, but more than anything- i have to get a better handle on what i'm doing with the little money i do have.

time management has always been an issue. i want to work on that, also. i have a spiffy book from the boyfriend (it's hard to stop referring to him as that) which is a great source for organization and tips on managing your life.

i dropped the little mister off at school today, but not before i had to stop at his dad's house for a first communion workbook... it was a neat little thing. there were some fun pages in there to fill out. stories about jesus and his life, with tandem pages to fill out about how it may relate to your own life. the first few pages were introductions: here are joseph, mary, and jesus. bethlehem, carpenters, you know this story well. and on the next page- draw your family: dad, mom, mikey, bailey (his dog). and by mom- he meant the newest fiancee. not me. she signed the parent's page. not me. i'm trying so hard not to take it personally, but it's tough.

doesn't he think of me and miss me like i think of and miss him when we're apart? that kid was the only reason i got out of bed in the mornings for the longest time... until i took control of my life again, he was the only thing keeping me here. it's disheartening to see that i'm never in his family drawings. is it that easy to overlook me? how can he forget me? i'm his biggest fan. even though he tells me i'm not allowed to be. every night that i have him, and tuck him in- i tell him that he is my most favorite person in the whole world. he stops and corrects me, telling me that he is not allowed to be my favorite, that god has to be my favorite person. i smile and nod, and let him believe what he wants. i'm so happy that he enjoys school and his religion class, boy scouts and star wars. i just want to have a better understanding between us. he is my everything, and i sometimes feel like just a big sister or overbearing aunt. it sucks.

my stalker gets out of jail tomorrow. i'm super nervous about this. the reason he landed back in the joint was because he continued making threats.... "generalized" threats. but threats just the same. you think of life changing events as huge huge things- near death experiences, additions and subtractions of major pieces of your life, etc. the quasi-random run-in with the clinically insane works wonders on that. i don't want to live the rest of my life in fear, but i don't want to be ignorant and unprepared if bad things happen. never in a million years would i have imagined such a thing to happen. i'm an ordinary girl, living an ordinary life. except now i'm a bit more on the paranoid side, and creeped out. how exhausting.

ugh- i don't even want to sit here and type anything else. i think i'm going to go upstairs, find the most obnoxious cd i can- and dance around the living room like a maniac. that always helps :)