welcome, twenty eleven!!!

twenty ten was a very bittersweet year... i loved and hated it, and whether the times were good or bad- the year went by way too fast! i hope this year slows down a little, or maybe it is i that should slow down :) my intentions this year include taking more time for myself- to take better care of myself, to return to the things i enjoy, to spend more time with positive and creative people, to do more things that frighten me (i'm thinking i'll be a repeat offender in the bellydancing category!) and to stop over analyzing things. too much time is wasted wondering, i'm ready to just jump :)
the paintings i had been working on for the book due out in february have surprised me. i had plans and ideas and sketches to work from, and once the tubes of paint were opened, new things happened. this reminded me that while i can plan all i want to, i also need to allow things to be what they are-accept them as they are. life (and art) happens while we are making plans. changing perspective on things has also given a boost in confidence, being so self critical is a vexation to the creative soul. i will certainly try to be a bit more free with my creations, thoughts and feelings.
here's to 2011 being full of love, laughter, and good times with good people.....

happy solstice!

here's to new light and the days getting longer :) which is great, because i think coffee is becoming less effective these days.... i dislike the schedule i'm keeping lately, however, should be thankful that i am busy and not bored.... i've had a lot of art/creativity inspired meetings and events lately that i have a great feeling about. hopefully, i'm pouring the right energy in the right direction, and this inspiring and creative flow will continue.
monkey and i made a ginger bread house last night (thanks to an awesome couple whose private party i bartended at on saturday-they gave me a house and four bags of candy to decorate with). it was a huge mess, but so worth it. i'd never made a gingerbread house before- it was a lot of fun :) we laughed at our messes, ate way more candy than we should have, and afterwards cuddled up with cartoons. it was a great day! after i returned home from dropping him off at his dad's house, i realized that he left me three gummy bears- my favorites: red, green and white- and ate the whole rest of the bag! hahahahaha.... man, i love that kid.
i feel incredibly lucky, as always, to have such a wonderful family. i'm especially aware of it around the holidays- while others are fighting with their families, missing their loved ones, or just plain avoiding them- i love the variety of characters that always end up gathered around our dinner table at the holidays. growing up, we've always hosted the single gi's or family members whose active duty parent were away. the nest is always open and welcoming, and it's a beautiful thing to be a part of....
i have a few last minute errands to run (christmas is in four days-holy cats!) but i wanted to take a moment to say 'thank you' to the powers that be for weaving such a colorful, chaotic and wonderful tapestry for me.

it's a new dawn, it's a new day, and i'm feeling fine

man, it's been forever since i've updated this...
twenty ten has gone by entirely too fast.
twenty eleven is nearly two weeks away...
i am determined to make the new year a most excellent one.
i've got a really good feeling about it.

whoa 2010, slow down....

june 14th?! damn. this year is going way too fast. the semester went well, i got two As, one B, and totally failed french. oh well. i'll take it again, this time not online, and kick it's ass. i have to, i spent three hundred dollars on the text and materials, i at least owe myself a B.... :)
i'm glad i've taken the summer off of school. well, with the exception of the performance bellydance class. i'm more than halfway through that class- gaining some confidence and having a blast! though i'm definitely still way nervous about the performance part about it all... i'm seriously considering finding a thigh holster for my flask, or stitching a pocket into my bra for a mini bottle of "liquid courage" ;) i've always been one to over analyze everything, and i am certainly my own worst critic. i suppose sometimes that's a good thing.... if my standards are higher than anyone else's, then maybe i won't let anyone down.

i'm pretty stoked that i'll have my son overnight three nights a week now that he's out of school. now we'll actually be able to have breakfast together twice a week, that's a favorite past time of mine. he's such a good kid. he's been amazingly helpful with everything lately. i love the conversations we have, the time we spend together, and i hope we always have a great relationship. i know he's swiftly approaching his teens, and that will definitely throw a monkey wrench into things, but hey- we all have been there..... he said the sweetest thing to me today, when i picked him up from his dad's house he asked me what day his birthday is on this year, 'cos he really hopes it's on one of my days (it's on sunday, it's not, boooooo....) then he said "actually, everyday i spend at your day is like my birthday or a party. they are my favorite days!" i'm soooo glad he feels the same as i do. i love the days i have him and miss him when he's gone. i'm seriously considering taking him to the spencer bell legacy concert in august. i'm not sure yet, there's a lot to consider....

my list of art projects is piling up, and every day i am more convinced that as much as i hate structure and schedules, i need it. i'm tempted to make a schedule for myself, and actually take time for everything that i want to accomplish. while i'm thinking of it, it may make many things easier= getting into better and healthier eating habits, working out, studying, more productive art making..... the more i think of it, the more sense it makes. i may start that now.

seriously, right now. it's happening....

april showers...

february twentieth was my last post? lame sauce. i haven't been nearly as productive as i'd hoped to have been. i still have art projects unfinished from personal goals and friend hires. i'm totally bombing french, and it's past the date to withdrawl.... i am determined to take the class again and ace it this time, i refuse to have a "d". taking it online was probably a mistake. i imagine it'd be sort of like trying to take a calculus class online. confusing and inconvenient. the journalism, english and other classes of the like fare way better online, math and foreign language-not so much. lesson learned, i will probably not be attempting that again.

i've been painting a little lately- not enough to reach my personal goals of getting into next months art gallery opening, also missed out on submitting for the student art show at school because of this damn sickness. i'm sooooo exhausted. i missed a week of classes between being at the hospital and home resting. i hope i haven't missed much. speaking of sick- i'm pretty frustrated at the fact that i'm paying $100/month for medical insurance, but got better deals on some appointments (like my upcoming biopsy) when i didn't have insurance. grrrr.

off to do something productive on this rainy and cold day.....

new year

wow. it's been a long time since i've updated this. now that i have a laptop though, internet access is easier to come by. so, maybe i'll start filling this page again. and maybe i won't. i have a lot of creative aspirations, and plan to be spending more time being productive on them. as well as keeping up with school, work, family and play. we shall see.....

things i'll never say...

this is stupid. you want me to be the person i was 7 years ago when we met. i can't be her anymore. people grow up. people change. life changes. you have changed, too. and certainly not for the best. it happens to all of us. who i was then, i can never be again. no matter how badly anyone wants me to be, even myself. life is different. we will never be the same.
there are two options that i see:
1- we learn to like ourselves and each other, the way we are now, and stop being nostalgic for the people we used to be. we have to start over, completely fresh, no clinging to the past.
2- we call it what it is.... over. it's been that way for a long time, we know it. it hasn't been the same in years. it was a good run, but if we can't learn to deal with who we are now, then why continue hurting ourselves?
again, two options:
1-call me when you're free, we can get together, have a drink or two, and *seriously* talk about things. don't invite anyone else this time. friendships are relationships, and the good ones take time and effort.
2-call me and tell me when i can pick up my stuff, or just drop it off on my porch. by 'my stuff' i mean my clothes, books, cds, and digital camera that you've had for the past year and a half.
____________________________________________________________________

you sort of chose the second option... calling and leaving a voicemail that (of course- turned everything on me) i thought was unneccesary. claiming you haven't returned my calls or texts because i was being 'disrespectful' is not cool. and unfounded, in my opinion. "call me when you're ready to talk" is not disrespectful. disrespectful, in my book, is ignoring my calls, texts, and me (in person) for the past week and a half. the silent treatment from you is nothing new. it happens all the time, and blows over eventually. not this time. i'm tired of waiting for you to be ready to talk to me again, giving me time to 'think about what i've done'.... how can i fix a wrong that i have allegedly commited, if i have no idea what it was? i can't.

it has been a long time since my universe revolved around you, and for you to assume that my facebook posts are directed toward you is 1-wrong, and 2- kind of conceited. there are so many things going on in my life right now, not everything is about you. you would know that if you were there for me at all. you said you feel like you've been a bad friend to me for the past few years, you are absolutely right. you've been a very bad friend. i have always been there for you, and you used to be there for me, too. there was a time when you were the only person that was there for me at all. now, it seems like you're more than available for everyone but me. what little plans we do make, you break. and that's fine. i'm over it. i haven't gotten mean, like you say, i've just severely lowered my tolerance for bullshit and letting other people run my life. i am living honestly now, more honestly than i have ever. true to myself, and everyone i care about. if being honest is mean, i am not sorry. i am sorry, however, if there was something i did years ago that started this breakdown of us. i thought we would be friends forever, we've been through so much... it's really hard to let go of this friendship, but it's even harder to try and keep it.

also- i have no idea what "messages" i "tried to relay" to you through people at work. i don't even talk to anyone at work. if i have anything to say, i know where to find you, and i don't need or want anyone else interefering with what i think is our business.

everything above, and so much more, will probably never reach your ears or eyes.... you said you didn't want to talk because you were 'afraid of my retaliation' because i 'used to be a nice person, but lately have said and done things that were out of character' - whatever these things are, i would love to know. the only things i have done out of character, are ceasing to kiss people's asses, and aplogizing when things weren't my fault. the rest is the same. i would really like to know what other convictions you have against me. but i won't hold my breath to hear them. i don't know what happened to us, but this sucks.

that's all i have for now, only because i have to get ready for work. which i used to look forward to going to, just to see you... ever since you've started walking in the opposite direction, and doing your best to avoid me, it's just not fun anymore. i guess i should learn to keep in mind that i am at work to make money, not friends.