things i'll never say...

this is stupid. you want me to be the person i was 7 years ago when we met. i can't be her anymore. people grow up. people change. life changes. you have changed, too. and certainly not for the best. it happens to all of us. who i was then, i can never be again. no matter how badly anyone wants me to be, even myself. life is different. we will never be the same.
there are two options that i see:
1- we learn to like ourselves and each other, the way we are now, and stop being nostalgic for the people we used to be. we have to start over, completely fresh, no clinging to the past.
2- we call it what it is.... over. it's been that way for a long time, we know it. it hasn't been the same in years. it was a good run, but if we can't learn to deal with who we are now, then why continue hurting ourselves?
again, two options:
1-call me when you're free, we can get together, have a drink or two, and *seriously* talk about things. don't invite anyone else this time. friendships are relationships, and the good ones take time and effort.
2-call me and tell me when i can pick up my stuff, or just drop it off on my porch. by 'my stuff' i mean my clothes, books, cds, and digital camera that you've had for the past year and a half.
____________________________________________________________________

you sort of chose the second option... calling and leaving a voicemail that (of course- turned everything on me) i thought was unneccesary. claiming you haven't returned my calls or texts because i was being 'disrespectful' is not cool. and unfounded, in my opinion. "call me when you're ready to talk" is not disrespectful. disrespectful, in my book, is ignoring my calls, texts, and me (in person) for the past week and a half. the silent treatment from you is nothing new. it happens all the time, and blows over eventually. not this time. i'm tired of waiting for you to be ready to talk to me again, giving me time to 'think about what i've done'.... how can i fix a wrong that i have allegedly commited, if i have no idea what it was? i can't.

it has been a long time since my universe revolved around you, and for you to assume that my facebook posts are directed toward you is 1-wrong, and 2- kind of conceited. there are so many things going on in my life right now, not everything is about you. you would know that if you were there for me at all. you said you feel like you've been a bad friend to me for the past few years, you are absolutely right. you've been a very bad friend. i have always been there for you, and you used to be there for me, too. there was a time when you were the only person that was there for me at all. now, it seems like you're more than available for everyone but me. what little plans we do make, you break. and that's fine. i'm over it. i haven't gotten mean, like you say, i've just severely lowered my tolerance for bullshit and letting other people run my life. i am living honestly now, more honestly than i have ever. true to myself, and everyone i care about. if being honest is mean, i am not sorry. i am sorry, however, if there was something i did years ago that started this breakdown of us. i thought we would be friends forever, we've been through so much... it's really hard to let go of this friendship, but it's even harder to try and keep it.

also- i have no idea what "messages" i "tried to relay" to you through people at work. i don't even talk to anyone at work. if i have anything to say, i know where to find you, and i don't need or want anyone else interefering with what i think is our business.

everything above, and so much more, will probably never reach your ears or eyes.... you said you didn't want to talk because you were 'afraid of my retaliation' because i 'used to be a nice person, but lately have said and done things that were out of character' - whatever these things are, i would love to know. the only things i have done out of character, are ceasing to kiss people's asses, and aplogizing when things weren't my fault. the rest is the same. i would really like to know what other convictions you have against me. but i won't hold my breath to hear them. i don't know what happened to us, but this sucks.

that's all i have for now, only because i have to get ready for work. which i used to look forward to going to, just to see you... ever since you've started walking in the opposite direction, and doing your best to avoid me, it's just not fun anymore. i guess i should learn to keep in mind that i am at work to make money, not friends.

crazy thursday

so... things with the ex-husband and his latest fiancee aren't awesome. that's the start of my day, and instead of having mikey til 8pm, i only had him til 5.... on their orders. lame.

farrah fawcett died today at 62, yeah, charlies angel's blah blah blah. i dig it, the most thing i associate with her is "small sacrifices" true story, sick mom killing her kids because her married lover didn't want any... tsk tsk tsk.

michael jackson. dead at 50. seriously? that cat, i've been a fan of him forever. i had the sequined glove, posters, thriller was my first record.... i'm SOOOO sad right now. everyone has jokes. i'm sincerely sad :(

cupcakes and razorblades

i'm going to preface this by saying: i DO NOT talk politics. i do not talk politics and religion with just anyone. i refuse. there's a good reason they are taboo in bars. i have kicked some beligerent people out of the bar i managed, because they are very sensitive subjects. it's those two things that have been causing conflict since damn near the beginning of time. i am who i am, i am happy with who i am and what i believe in. i am also very understanding- i have no qualms about what other people believe in. variety is the spice of life....

it bums me out that there are so many people hating that obama is in office. give the man a chance. i firmly believe that he's in it for all of us. to me, he meant every word of his speech on inaugaration day. i have high hopes for this man, and his plans. i hope that he does this country a great service, and sees another 4 years on top of this set. while i'm the only one in my household, i'm very happy with my decision on voting day. it was a tough run. i looked at both candidates views on issues many times, and ultimately went with the man whose issues i sided with more. it wasn't the novelty that there was a different face on posters than the same old rich white men. (though if the novelty card palin would have somehow gotten into office -mccain isn't young- i would have moved to canada) it wasn't because of celebrity endorsements, i am not that easily swayed by others. peer pressure has nothing on me... i made my vote based on what i felt was right. and i certainly hope it pans out.

to the ignorant and would-be-clever people sending out these jokes: no, your tv is not broken, it's not playing planet of the apes at the white house on repeat. yes, it's still the white house. calling it the black house is silly. no, they aren't turning the rose garden into a watermelon patch, or opium poppies. it would be inappropriate to refer to him as the HBIC or President Bro. i'm confident joe biden is much more than just 'assassination insurance'.... and while miss michelle is very stylish, graceful and beautiful- reminiscent of mrs kennedy- i think it's a slap in the face to call her 'blackie o'. seriously, people. is this what we are down to? now is the time to get together and work together, more than ever before. put some of the differences aside.

while on the ranting and raving- a family friend of ours, who is a fire marshall for a local city, and drum major in the cleveland firefighter's pipe and drum band (they played the bagpipes and drums at my sisters wedding- very professional, very moving) has been suspended for 6 months because he waved to the president and family at the inaugarational parade. cnn footage shows the president waving at him, and he nodding and waving back. 6 months suspension, really? because a nod and a wave are unbecoming of the band. it wasn't a big, crazy "hi mom" wave; it was very respectful. i'm glad he said he'd do it again. i know he doesn't want any negativity directed at the band, but damn... 6 months is harsh. and i'm telling you something= if john coleman won't be at the saint patty's day parade, then neither will i. and for those of you that said coleman should have raised his kilt and mooned the president instead, nevermind i have nothing to say to you. nothing that you would even try to understand anyway.
the mind is like a parachute, it only functions when open.

gandhi said 'you must be the change you wish to see in the world.' i believe there are people out there who are seriously stepping up to the plate on this, and i applaud them.

that is all, good day.

another day, just breathe...

i think i don't like today. it's only 11.37am, that's an unfair thought. i have the rest of the day to make up for a rough morning. attitude adjustment shouldn't be difficult. i told myself that i would work out, that 10 minutes of aerobic activities are allegedly just as good for your mood as a dose of an anti-depressant. it's just a matter of finding that motivation. a friend of mine keeps notes on her computer and tv, and doesn't allow herself access to either unless she's worked out first. it's not a bad idea. i may have to steal that idea. though, already, i've failed. here i am, typing away at the computer- with no sweat to show for it. i'll do it afterwards. and i still have tomorrow morning, and thursday morning. back to work friday. saturday with the kiddo. working open to close on sunday....

i met with an old friend sunday night, and found a slight spark of inspiration. a fellow artist of sorts, and a vegan. and while i'm not interested in persuing the vegan way of life- i sure would like to change my diet. it's terrible that the food which is most affordable and convenient is the worst for you. and the wonderful, healthy, organic food is wicked expensive. i think i'll just buy a ton of rice and tuna and try not to get bored with those, salads, fruits and veggies.
saving money is another goal of mine. cutting out unnecessary purchases is a must. the occasional fun buy will be allowed, but more than anything- i have to get a better handle on what i'm doing with the little money i do have.

time management has always been an issue. i want to work on that, also. i have a spiffy book from the boyfriend (it's hard to stop referring to him as that) which is a great source for organization and tips on managing your life.

i dropped the little mister off at school today, but not before i had to stop at his dad's house for a first communion workbook... it was a neat little thing. there were some fun pages in there to fill out. stories about jesus and his life, with tandem pages to fill out about how it may relate to your own life. the first few pages were introductions: here are joseph, mary, and jesus. bethlehem, carpenters, you know this story well. and on the next page- draw your family: dad, mom, mikey, bailey (his dog). and by mom- he meant the newest fiancee. not me. she signed the parent's page. not me. i'm trying so hard not to take it personally, but it's tough.

doesn't he think of me and miss me like i think of and miss him when we're apart? that kid was the only reason i got out of bed in the mornings for the longest time... until i took control of my life again, he was the only thing keeping me here. it's disheartening to see that i'm never in his family drawings. is it that easy to overlook me? how can he forget me? i'm his biggest fan. even though he tells me i'm not allowed to be. every night that i have him, and tuck him in- i tell him that he is my most favorite person in the whole world. he stops and corrects me, telling me that he is not allowed to be my favorite, that god has to be my favorite person. i smile and nod, and let him believe what he wants. i'm so happy that he enjoys school and his religion class, boy scouts and star wars. i just want to have a better understanding between us. he is my everything, and i sometimes feel like just a big sister or overbearing aunt. it sucks.

my stalker gets out of jail tomorrow. i'm super nervous about this. the reason he landed back in the joint was because he continued making threats.... "generalized" threats. but threats just the same. you think of life changing events as huge huge things- near death experiences, additions and subtractions of major pieces of your life, etc. the quasi-random run-in with the clinically insane works wonders on that. i don't want to live the rest of my life in fear, but i don't want to be ignorant and unprepared if bad things happen. never in a million years would i have imagined such a thing to happen. i'm an ordinary girl, living an ordinary life. except now i'm a bit more on the paranoid side, and creeped out. how exhausting.

ugh- i don't even want to sit here and type anything else. i think i'm going to go upstairs, find the most obnoxious cd i can- and dance around the living room like a maniac. that always helps :)

Love isn't perfect....

...even diamonds start out as coal. How long do you work and wait for the transformation? What if you've got the wrong rock to begin with? You get a feeling though, a feeling that you can make it work. A feeling that tells you "this won't be easy, but damnit will it be worth it!" What happens when you step back, try to gain perspective and feel like you've lost the mine? It's only been 3 days, but it feels like 3 months. I've tried logically looking at the situation, making a list of pros and cons... even the pros are cons, in some way. Saving almost 80 miles per week is nice for my gas tank, but I would walk those miles if I could figure out what would make us work. We are so different, which most times, was wonderful. Entirely different perspectives were shared, and we learned new things. The good days were soooo effin good, and the bad days- they were equally extreme.

"we've been dancing on a volcano, and we've been crying over blackened souls"

There's no place like home.... to make me feel so alone. I don't want to wash my sheets, they still smell like you. I hope that we can find a way to come back together and make this work. It seems damn near impossible, we've had more than two decades of being who we are separately- if they don't mix, they don't mix. Oil and water. We can't change who we are, and we don't want to either. Who we are is what we love about each other. Is there a way to tweak behavior patterns and defense mechanisms to make for a more smooth operation? I don't know.

"so many nights, legs tangled tight.
wrap me up in a dream with you.
close up these eyes, try not to cry.
all that i've got to pull me through,
is memories of you...

sew this up with threads of reason and regret, so i will not forget- i cannot forget....

toxic friend look-out....

Great friends are like amazing jeans: They offer incredible support and cover your rear when you need it the most. But also like denim, it's easy to get used to a pal who doesn't fit you like she should. Here are some subtle tip-offs that you ought to make yourself less available as your friend's personal therapist or ego-booster...or even move on altogether.

1. Looking back a few months, you realize you let all her calls go to voice mail, even if you were in a chatty mood, because you couldn't muster the energy for small talk.

2. Your boyfriend labels you a "hazmat area" after seeing her because you're so bitter.

3. Upon noticing her new purse, you obsess over the fact that she blew $200 you lent her years ago.

4. After a long talk with her, you eat a pint of Ben and Jerry's to take your mind off her neuroses.
5. If you have a differing opinion, you reply, "You're probably right." It's easier just to get her off the topic since she hates losing a debate.

6. She acts accessible but always says "superbusy...but totes wanna hang out soon!"

7. She tweaks her successes into digs, like "It's funny — you were the one guys used to hit on, but since I lost 10 pounds, they love me!"

8. After you tell her about a life change (e.g., a new job or apartment), you notice her "support" is tethered to concern or doubt ("It's just that I'm so worried about you").

9. When she's single, you detect she seems a bit pleased when you tell her about a bad date.

10. You sometimes walk away from a conversation with her feeling like a stripped car.

11. When you see her, you never quite get around to talking about you. But you could write a novel about the crappy boss and hellish landlord she yapped about for 90 minutes straight.

12. Her e-mail that asks "Wanna meet up?" means one thing: She must've split with her latest guy.

13. A friend in common mentions something personal you had told your pal in confidence — the third time this year alone!

14. You avoid talking about a life crisis because her reply is inevitably "You think that's bad...."

15. She rattles off a list of former pals who are "dead to her" for some betrayal and adds "But you'd never do that to me."

ready for your close-up?

I can make it so that people live forever. Timeless and beautiful, loved ones will never die. Their glistening eyes and laughter are encapsulated; they are as lively today as they were two years, or two decades ago. I can suspend time and make a single moment last a lifetime and then some. Moments are captured and frozen to keep and look back on fondly. Feelings that may get lost in translation are more easily read through the lens. I own a portable time machine that can transport me back to places I have visited before. Memories are reminders that the past is real, and I can provide tangible evidence for so many things. Elaborate and heartfelt stories are told, without using a single word. They are stories from all walks of life, stories that inspire gasps, laughter, and tears. Countless works of art have, and will continue to be created with the simple click of a button. I own sunsets from around the world, and can see them anytime I want. Their various warm hues fill the skies of many lands; some with the colors of a brilliant sunset reflecting off of the ripples in the beach water, some of them peeking through the windows of city apartment buildings. I can thank my wonderful, cherished object for this magic. There are so many different documentations made available by this instrument of genius. My cherished object is a Canon Power Shot, and it is my favorite thing because of the power it gives me. With this camera, there are no boundaries to my creative artistic expressions given by my love for capturing life. Stolen moments are my specialty.
"If a day goes by without my doing something related to photography, it's as though I've neglected something essential to my existience, as though I've forgotten to wake up." -Richard Avedon. Taking photographs changes the way I see everything. Photography is the talent to capture beauty in the things that go unnoticed. The images I can capture contain everything and nothing, all at once. Previously simple words, that one wouldn't normally bat an eye at, now conjure up new ideas in my head: angle, background, close-ups, color, composition, light, focus, subject, and perspective. Everything I see now seems to be through an invisible frame, as I line up each new subject for their immortal shot. With each adjustment of the aperature, and close of the shutter, a new feeling of greatness washes over me. What I choose to capture with my camera is beautiful, it is art, it is life. The sleek, shiny, black and silver machine in my hands remembers little things, such as dragonflies caught in flight, secret smiles between two people, love and laughter among friends and family at a park, long after I have forgotten them. Looking at a photograph from a recent birthday party, it is easy to notice the magic of my camera. So many happy faces are frozen in song, I can almost hear their voices singing in unison. Surrounded by vivid colors of giftwrap and presents, the crowd gathers at the table. I can almost feel the heat from the technicolor candles on the cake. And a fine cake it is, with it's icing cascading over the edges. I can nearly smell the raspberry vanilla goodness. Reliving times like these are simple when you have such great tools to document them with. There are so many wonderful feats this little gadget can accomplish, and I can hardly feel nostalgic for the old Kodak's with Flashbulbs. There is an aquarium setting, it erases the glass, so that you feel as though you're as wet and as deep in the coral as the fish you watch darting around. Not a single face could ever be lost in the crowd, with my trusty 'face recognition' squares, framing each and every beautiful one. And, red-eye demons, beware! The red-eye reducer is on the prowl, and ready for action.
A photograph shows us a split second of the present moment, but the present is always slipping into the past. This is why I feel so attached to my camera, it gives me the freedom to keep the intangible in some shape or form. In my hands, I have an instant record of history. I have documented numerous places I have been to, including: Europe, Asia, as well as many of the United States and Canada. I can share with others some of the many things that I have seen. Some of my favorite frozen shots of real life include: the view from below the carriage of an in-flight, hot air balloon I was working crew on in New Mexico, through this photo I can still feel the sun on my face and remember the breathtaking sight of various hot air balloons dotting the desert horizon; a photograph of a gondolier serenading guests through the canals of Venice make me nostalgic for my favorite city; the silhouette of a seagull against the watercolor-like sunset at Huntington are safe and warm in a photo album during the winter months; and a photo of my son and me at his preschool graduation relay the love and pride that words can barely touch on. Children grow up so fast, because of this, my favorite series of photographs to take is the chronicles of my son's life. I can relive his first breath of air, each of his first wobbly steps, every school function he's had, his first rollercoaster ride, catching lightining bugs in the backyard, and numerous other fun-filled occasions. He's constantly growing, and I am very thankful to have such a great invention to help me record the things that mean the most to me. Shoeboxes and tupperware containers overflow with photographs and memories from throughout the years. Every photograph I have is of places in which I have found solace and wonder, and of people that I have loved, and who have loved me in return. All of these images are proof that I have lived.
For the science buffs, cameras are just instruments that record radiation on a sensitive medium. The casual photograph snapper reserves the use of cameras only for holidays, parties, and important celebrations. In my opinion, they are missing out on what really matters, which are the little things in everyday life. A baby's first taste of lemon wedges, children swinging at the play ground, a walk through the woods, a loving embrace from a grandparent, a game of fetch with the dog, these are all things that are taken for granted, and gone too soon. That is why I love having the power to keep forever, the times that I will never get back. Everyday is a special occasion, full of moments waiting to be captured, and I will always have my camera ready.

*that was my essay in english last week, she gave me an 84. she hates me.... but it's okay because I Love Me!! and i know i'm not the only one :) xoxoxoxoxox*