i think i don't like today. it's only 11.37am, that's an unfair thought. i have the rest of the day to make up for a rough morning. attitude adjustment shouldn't be difficult. i told myself that i would work out, that 10 minutes of aerobic activities are allegedly just as good for your mood as a dose of an anti-depressant. it's just a matter of finding that motivation. a friend of mine keeps notes on her computer and tv, and doesn't allow herself access to either unless she's worked out first. it's not a bad idea. i may have to steal that idea. though, already, i've failed. here i am, typing away at the computer- with no sweat to show for it. i'll do it afterwards. and i still have tomorrow morning, and thursday morning. back to work friday. saturday with the kiddo. working open to close on sunday....
i met with an old friend sunday night, and found a slight spark of inspiration. a fellow artist of sorts, and a vegan. and while i'm not interested in persuing the vegan way of life- i sure would like to change my diet. it's terrible that the food which is most affordable and convenient is the worst for you. and the wonderful, healthy, organic food is wicked expensive. i think i'll just buy a ton of rice and tuna and try not to get bored with those, salads, fruits and veggies.
saving money is another goal of mine. cutting out unnecessary purchases is a must. the occasional fun buy will be allowed, but more than anything- i have to get a better handle on what i'm doing with the little money i do have.
time management has always been an issue. i want to work on that, also. i have a spiffy book from the boyfriend (it's hard to stop referring to him as that) which is a great source for organization and tips on managing your life.
i dropped the little mister off at school today, but not before i had to stop at his dad's house for a first communion workbook... it was a neat little thing. there were some fun pages in there to fill out. stories about jesus and his life, with tandem pages to fill out about how it may relate to your own life. the first few pages were introductions: here are joseph, mary, and jesus. bethlehem, carpenters, you know this story well. and on the next page- draw your family: dad, mom, mikey, bailey (his dog). and by mom- he meant the newest fiancee. not me. she signed the parent's page. not me. i'm trying so hard not to take it personally, but it's tough.
doesn't he think of me and miss me like i think of and miss him when we're apart? that kid was the only reason i got out of bed in the mornings for the longest time... until i took control of my life again, he was the only thing keeping me here. it's disheartening to see that i'm never in his family drawings. is it that easy to overlook me? how can he forget me? i'm his biggest fan. even though he tells me i'm not allowed to be. every night that i have him, and tuck him in- i tell him that he is my most favorite person in the whole world. he stops and corrects me, telling me that he is not allowed to be my favorite, that god has to be my favorite person. i smile and nod, and let him believe what he wants. i'm so happy that he enjoys school and his religion class, boy scouts and star wars. i just want to have a better understanding between us. he is my everything, and i sometimes feel like just a big sister or overbearing aunt. it sucks.
my stalker gets out of jail tomorrow. i'm super nervous about this. the reason he landed back in the joint was because he continued making threats.... "generalized" threats. but threats just the same. you think of life changing events as huge huge things- near death experiences, additions and subtractions of major pieces of your life, etc. the quasi-random run-in with the clinically insane works wonders on that. i don't want to live the rest of my life in fear, but i don't want to be ignorant and unprepared if bad things happen. never in a million years would i have imagined such a thing to happen. i'm an ordinary girl, living an ordinary life. except now i'm a bit more on the paranoid side, and creeped out. how exhausting.
ugh- i don't even want to sit here and type anything else. i think i'm going to go upstairs, find the most obnoxious cd i can- and dance around the living room like a maniac. that always helps :)
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2 comments:
Oh honey. That must be awful. I feel so bad for you. I was unaware that there was a new fiancee...He knows YOU are Mommy though, I'm sure. I love you.
you know, kids never appreciate their parents until they are grown. he'll know that you love him the most; he's just little and when you're little you just don't understand the big stuff, you know? hang in there! love you.
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