things i'll never say...

this is stupid. you want me to be the person i was 7 years ago when we met. i can't be her anymore. people grow up. people change. life changes. you have changed, too. and certainly not for the best. it happens to all of us. who i was then, i can never be again. no matter how badly anyone wants me to be, even myself. life is different. we will never be the same.
there are two options that i see:
1- we learn to like ourselves and each other, the way we are now, and stop being nostalgic for the people we used to be. we have to start over, completely fresh, no clinging to the past.
2- we call it what it is.... over. it's been that way for a long time, we know it. it hasn't been the same in years. it was a good run, but if we can't learn to deal with who we are now, then why continue hurting ourselves?
again, two options:
1-call me when you're free, we can get together, have a drink or two, and *seriously* talk about things. don't invite anyone else this time. friendships are relationships, and the good ones take time and effort.
2-call me and tell me when i can pick up my stuff, or just drop it off on my porch. by 'my stuff' i mean my clothes, books, cds, and digital camera that you've had for the past year and a half.
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you sort of chose the second option... calling and leaving a voicemail that (of course- turned everything on me) i thought was unneccesary. claiming you haven't returned my calls or texts because i was being 'disrespectful' is not cool. and unfounded, in my opinion. "call me when you're ready to talk" is not disrespectful. disrespectful, in my book, is ignoring my calls, texts, and me (in person) for the past week and a half. the silent treatment from you is nothing new. it happens all the time, and blows over eventually. not this time. i'm tired of waiting for you to be ready to talk to me again, giving me time to 'think about what i've done'.... how can i fix a wrong that i have allegedly commited, if i have no idea what it was? i can't.

it has been a long time since my universe revolved around you, and for you to assume that my facebook posts are directed toward you is 1-wrong, and 2- kind of conceited. there are so many things going on in my life right now, not everything is about you. you would know that if you were there for me at all. you said you feel like you've been a bad friend to me for the past few years, you are absolutely right. you've been a very bad friend. i have always been there for you, and you used to be there for me, too. there was a time when you were the only person that was there for me at all. now, it seems like you're more than available for everyone but me. what little plans we do make, you break. and that's fine. i'm over it. i haven't gotten mean, like you say, i've just severely lowered my tolerance for bullshit and letting other people run my life. i am living honestly now, more honestly than i have ever. true to myself, and everyone i care about. if being honest is mean, i am not sorry. i am sorry, however, if there was something i did years ago that started this breakdown of us. i thought we would be friends forever, we've been through so much... it's really hard to let go of this friendship, but it's even harder to try and keep it.

also- i have no idea what "messages" i "tried to relay" to you through people at work. i don't even talk to anyone at work. if i have anything to say, i know where to find you, and i don't need or want anyone else interefering with what i think is our business.

everything above, and so much more, will probably never reach your ears or eyes.... you said you didn't want to talk because you were 'afraid of my retaliation' because i 'used to be a nice person, but lately have said and done things that were out of character' - whatever these things are, i would love to know. the only things i have done out of character, are ceasing to kiss people's asses, and aplogizing when things weren't my fault. the rest is the same. i would really like to know what other convictions you have against me. but i won't hold my breath to hear them. i don't know what happened to us, but this sucks.

that's all i have for now, only because i have to get ready for work. which i used to look forward to going to, just to see you... ever since you've started walking in the opposite direction, and doing your best to avoid me, it's just not fun anymore. i guess i should learn to keep in mind that i am at work to make money, not friends.