second guessing

for the past few days, i've had sort of a panicky "omigosh, what am i doing?!" kind of feeling. i think it pretty much started with an unconstructive criticism from my english teacher. i've never met the lady, which is why i think i can conjure up so much anxiety at her words. i can imagine her to be this huge amazon woman, with ties to every teacher, school, workplace in the world- who could ruin my chances of being anything more than a restaurant worker my whole life without even batting an eye....

it was just one comment, and it's been a long couple of weeks for me. so, i'm not on top of my game. i just have to kick it up a notch, that's all. not get discouraged. even though my math class isn't going as well as i was hoping. the teacher is fun, the subject is not. no surprise. it was just like that in high school. it so much easier learning things that interest you... that are releavent to you. i'm really starting to like psychology class. the first month or so dragged on, but lately i'm digging it! one of our homework assignments is to watch a movie from her list of selections, and then write an essay about it. too bad she didn't choose "clockwork orange"-that film covers so many things!! anti-social personality disorder, behavior modification, classical conditioning. then again, that movie can be a bit offensive=so i guess it's better she didn't include it.

it's 9.30am. i should definitely get my day started. the 29th anniversary of my birth. i only feel about 22, with 7 years experience though. it's nice. i hope the youthful feeling never fades. i want to be like my grandma-dancing solo on the dance floor at weddings (rip grampa), jet setting to different parts of the country and world to hang out with family, living everyday like you're still alive-even when a big part of you has gone. she's an inspiration.

tangent. damnit. i *always* do that... start off saying one thing, then going way out into left field for another. sometimes, forgetting what i was talking about to begin with.

i was talking about starting my day- getting new stickers for my license plates, completing a peer essay critique for english, studying for tomorrow's math test, washing some clothes, cleaning my room, working out.... hanging out with the boyfriend, and my parents, i hope. at least a nice dinner. i miss them. our schedules always seem to be a little off. then again, when i'm not at work, school, or with my son- i'm usually at my boyfriend's house. i should spend a little more time at home. divide my time better. make a new schedule for myself. including a jump on next semester's classes.... oh yes. add that to my list of things to do today.

and do them i shall. right now.